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    April 28

    and you even know how to rhyme.

    so interested in summer, so not interested in here.
     
    i bought a red dress and i can't wait to wear it.  i need the perfect occasion.
     
    [i felt so bad when your mom caught us eating icecream in your room at three in the morning.]
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    April 24

    confessions

    one. five clear pushpins and one black in my wall
    two. no juice no bread no chocolate no fruit no soup no perogies
    three. lots of cheese and ketchup and maple syrup and rolled oats and canola oil and soya sauce and fusilli
    four. barely started packing
    five. one exam left
    six. reading about school violence and human trafficking
    seven. crying over both
    eight. moving out friday early
    nine. missing lots of different girls
    ten. unemployed
    eleven. homeless soon
    twelve. enjoying being roommate-less
    thirteen. still young
    fourteen. seeing doctor tomorrow [today?]
    fifteen. hormonal
    sixteen. not believing it's summer [it isn't]
    seventeen. eager for tank tops
    eighteen. my immunization record is from ontario ministry of health
    nineteen. parents are moving maybe
    twenty. avoiding home in my head
    twenty-one. oh there are also a few quilting pins in the other wall
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    April 22

    mutant.

     
    i had a nice day yesterday.  we found a kitten that is exactly like me, so if you really like me, you should buy this baby cat for five dollars and it will be like having me with you always, except less talkative.
     
    the time has come for me to stop lounging around my town and start crossing some exams off of my to-do list.  three to write in three days.
     
    i like moving except that it is so much work.
     
    plus it would be better if i know where i was moving to.
     
    in other news, i am considering an outer space theme for the summer.  i am envisioning lots of glow-in-the-dark and creepy electronic music.
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    April 19

    and you're standing in the doorway.

    [listening to marilyn manson, reading about surrealism, wishing i weren't.]
    well except marilyn.  it's a cover of sweet dreams, and it makes me happy.
    my roommate is packing and cleaning and stacking boxes all over my apartment.  i haven't even thought about studying for exams, but she is apparently moving out tomorow.  fare the well, love.
     
    jesse filled my voicemail with way-silly romantic poetry and made me laugh in freezing cold ontario.  i wonder if writing that on my blog for you all to enjoy is more embarrassing for me or for him.  i'll tell you what though, i like that guy a lot, despite his worst wooful efforts and despite my heartlessness.
     
    i don't care about hearts, i care about kidneys.
    the other thing i care about is that my parents are going to the exact place that i've been longing to visit.  except they are not bringing me with them.  they are leaving me at their house to keep eyes on my sisters, who are way too old to be babysat.
    the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you.
     
    so i guess i will either have a shower or eat dinner or write my paper.  or all three!
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    April 15

    [rolls that world right off my shoulder]

     
    well hello, beautiful.
    outside the coulee looks like i do on the inside.  afterall, spleen rhymes with ravine.  i'm all erosion.
     
    funny how the most important things you don't share with the most important one.  i can talk about myself all day long [and often do, unfortunately], but i still can't pray about the biggest sadnesses because they aren't about me.  it's one thing to spout off facts and wishes to the semi-close friend across the picnic table, but prayer is different.  you can't bring it up and only go part-way.  you can't bring it up and only skim the surface.  you have to really acknowledge it and live all those things you're going on about.  and that sounds like a lot of work to me.
     
    so i hide behind every tree.
     
    maybe i should get on with my life.  see you in four days.
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    April 10

    [so please use your powers for good.]

    when they finally come to destroy the earth, they'll have to go through you first.
    i bet they won't be expecting that.
     
    last night it rained just right and instead of smelling like cow poo it smelled like spring.
    right as rain.
    speaking of that, one week from today i will be near rainy toronto listening to membahs of parliament and mountied police.  mmmmmmhm.
     
    it takes at least twelve hours to check my email.
     
     
    [leave them stunned and stuttering.]
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    April 08

    when you were 19 and still in school

    happy resurrection day, dudes.
    i should visit my family more.  they're pretty good.  i occasionally forget how silly i get when i'm around them and how much noise i bring to their lives.  oh and my mommy gave me easter candy.
     
    when i was three years old i asked my parents if the easter bunny was real and they said no.
     
    nobody should run into other people's cars, okay?  let's make an agreement.
     
    i got a woman way downtown.  she's good to me.  oh yeah.
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    April 02

    when ya gonna come around?

    i dream i'm in a hollywood movie.
    i stare at you like a creepy stranger.
     
    i started eating my little insect pills yesterday.  they are so tiny; i feel like they will scurry away with me pouncing clumsily and banging my knee hard on the toilet bowl.  that hasn't happened yet though.  [give it time.]
     
    i have also been mourning boys lately.  not ALL boys, clearly.  i don't know how to explain this without being terrible insulting.  i don't want to be insulting.  i want to say why i'm sad.  i'm sad because i think that every boy should have a bigger boy to look up to who will care for him and teach him how to be who he wants to be but maybe too many boys don't have any bigger boys who are willing [able?] to do that.  so that sucks.
     
    but then, us girls have our own issues, and i know all about them.
     
    i broke myself into a hotel a half a mile from my house, and i create the illusion that i'm far away.
     
    i, i, i, i.  self-indulgent, no?
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